I’m looking for a job. My search is simultaneously broad and specific. I am willing to leverage my skills in myriad ways, but I’m not willing to sell my soul, mind, or body for low pay. This last caveat has created quite the quandary for me. Also, I have the terrible condition of being a brilliant but historically under-employed individual over the age of 40 with very little to prove her skill set. I don’t think I’m alone.
I can blame my un/der/employment on my gender, my disabilities, my life circumstances, all of it… but the real culprit is that capitalism is a game I suck at. Some days I’m proud of that, but most days I just see that I’m not winning by losing. I have an entire theological, philosophical, political rant about why capitalism as it stands is the absolute worst (here’s a sample, and another), BUT for now, let’s just say that all I want is financial freedom and security, and I am so terrible at capitalism that I’m not sure I will ever single-handily achieve my wishes. Whether capitalism is a beast to be tamed or slayed, I’m not the apex hunter.
I want to work as a writer and/or editor. I have skills in this area and would learn quickly under a willing mentor. I wouldn’t mind being an entrepreneur but the learning curve is pretty steep and I’m easily distracted by other financial packages that don’t involve me looking for my next gig every month. Is it wise for me, someone with depression, to start a business when the statistics are NOT good for entrepreneurs and mental health correlation? (I just learned this is a thing.) I know literally everyone has opinions about this, and even mine shifts depending on how the wind is blowing. That’s the problem. I chicken out of entrepreneurship, then I balk at the corporate commitments (ie “willing to work in a fast-paced, thriving, and rapidly growing company” which is code for “overworked and stressed meets chaotic growth and chronic under-staffing”).
Like I said before, I don’t want to sell my soul, body, or mind for capitalism. I’m just not that into it. I prefer to look at pretty scenery. Beauty is my passion, not leveraging skill sets for capital gain. Hate to break it to you capitalism, but most beauty is free and you’re ugly AND expensive.
I edit and write for friends, family, coworkers, even for strangers who have been told by the first group that I’ll help. I have not saved the resumes, challenging emails to supervisors or subordinates, research papers, sermons (so many), applications for ordination or chaplain certification, newsletters, bulletins, pamphlets, website blurbs, bios, or cover letters. I didn’t realize my help was a portfolio builder. Half that stuff is confidential anyway. And how do I show editing? “Here’s the shit they sent me, and here’s the better thing I sent back. It’s an email where they quit their job but didn’t burn a bridge even though in their minds they had grenades at the ready.” This sounds less impressive, but the friend was grateful. I know that I *should* do stuff and “build my portfolio” and “establish credibility” but just like I didn’t do Girl Scouts past the Brownie phase, I haven’t been able to care enough about my “portfolio” past the helping my friends and family stage. It’s just not in my head. I know this is a me-problem. But I still like to think it’s a capitalism obstacle that I am poorly equipped/designed for.
I pulled up a job listing on Indeed, categorized as an “Entry Level” position. It’s part time. In the requirements to qualify for the position they ask for an experienced health journalist with 2-5 years of experience. I suppose by definition that could be seen as entry level, but I wonder who gave that person their 2-5 years of experience? Are there pre-entry level positions? And, can you get a pre-entry position as a 41 year old and then escalate to entry and then executive once you learn the ropes? Before you have to retire? Does it take twenty years to work up to a living wage or could I please start with one? I’m smart, I learn fast, and instead of internships and entry level positions, I got a masters and dabbled in ministry jobs doing work most well-paid execs and “entry-level” workers would run from screaming. I also raised a family, took care of a grandparent, and shouldered some massive health issues. Where does that go on my resume?
Do you have employees who sat with dying people every day for 2-3 years? And their families? How about wrangling volunteers who all have *opinions* about how something should be run? Talking with teenagers after their peer died of cancer? Advocating for proper medical care for an elderly relative with dementia, hearing loss, and vision difficulties? Bearing so. many. secrets. by the many who come you for advice or mostly a listening ear? These skills are hard to map on a resume, and even harder to translate the benefits. But the lessons I learned about humanity in those spaces are infinitely valuable and applicable. I know the human condition. I have seen the most beautiful and ugly parts. Sometimes in the same person. I’ve been able to keep looking and keep listening. I can tell you so much about a person from just one encounter, I know how to read micro-expressions and the words between the lines. I may not remember names well but I always remember stories. This makes me an AMAZING person to have on any team. But how do I market that?
My Skills: Facing death and uncertainty. Navigating extreme stress (but please don’t exploit this). Surviving depression. Coordinating and giving care to elderly, infants, toddlers, pre-teens, and teenagers. Keeping a lot of animals alive. Keeping some plants alive. Managing a house and preparing meals every fucking day (and laundry, and dishes). Expert financial management to be debt-free despite a non-profit salary. Driving the same car after 17 years. Planning a cross-country (and back) road trip for four on a tiny budget. Learning new technology every day it seems. Teaching children ALL THE THINGS. Planning an international research trip for 3 (to two countries I’ve never been to). Planning a second international research trip to go on by myself. Enduring 3 spinal surgeries. Sitting with and counseling the aging and dying. Collaborating with volunteers and recruiting new ones. Writing books (drafts). Writing blogs. Writing social media stuff and then ghosting social media because it’s bad for my health. Editing the shit out of all sorts of documents, resulting in unanimous approval and gratitude. Making people feel heard. Making people feel loved. Understanding the story behind the story. Cutting through bullshit. Reads lips AND bodies. Intuitive AF. Funny. Does that all go in my cover letter?
What do you do when you want to switch directions in your career? Or if you aren’t one of the lucky ones that fell into a field you excelled at or that gave you opportunities? Or better yet, when you want to begin a career after the last 15 years of your life being spent on caregiving, part-time jobs that offered flexibility (but not high pay, benefits, or easily recognizable experience), and your own medical issues? How do you get in the door when you have a solid 15 years of work behind you, but none of it fits into a pretty “first career” to point to? I have a good 20-25 working years ahead of me, I could work a long time and you could get me after I had my kids, learned how to be a human, and matured enough that I won’t be causing drama in the office. I’m a steal! A catch! But there isn’t an easy way to get into the “not soul-sucking” level of the workforce with my choppy resume. I’m better than entry-level, but I haven’t “paid my dues” with the currency you’re familiar with.
These are real questions. How does someone like me get a job beyond entry-level, when it looks like I couldn’t even land a part-time so-called entry level position? I’m working through Vocational Rehabilitation (a state agency that focuses on helping people with disabilities gain and keep employment) to get even more contacts, help, all the things. My case manager said to me the other day “You’re awesome!” That felt lovely, and should have been a proud moment, but all I felt was defeat. Because I know I’m awesome. My awesomeness is not valued or lucrative. Or at least it hasn’t been for me. Back to the whole “I’m not great at capitalism.” I’m working on bridging the gap- but I don’t think I’m the only one that struggles.
Anyone out there trying to do something great with their lives (or just earn a living wage) and are coming up against the same damn obstacles? I feel ya. Solidarity.
(For those who are concerned or curious: I am working a LOT of different angles to gain employment. This blog is my emotional processing of it all. Would I appreciate leads and suggestions? Absolutely. Am I doing more than what I wrote above? Also yes. SO MANY ANGLES. Do I wish my skills better translated to the economic system and were seen as valuable? YES. Is this blog a bit whiny? maybe.)
