I wrote an email to a close friend about how I was feeling a couple weeks ago, and it was almost funny when I re-read my paragraph and saw: oh right, clinical definition of depression. See what I wrote…
“I honestly went down a DARK tunnel yesterday. I think it wasn’t the news per se as much as the “now fucking what?” question. I am just so friggin impatient and deeply desiring to find the place where I/we belong that everything else feels like hives. I feel like all my efforts, all my personal growth, all my discernment, is just all a big farce and I’m just in some infiniti loop of nothingness and meaninglessness. (I told you it was dark.) A word I used to describe my feeling to my sisters was that I was feeling anemic. Not like, physically, but my life- there’s no substance, no joy, no oomph, it’s just a grey bowl of mush that I keep spooning around to see if a certain shape will make the mush seem edible. Even the things that should feel lovely just – don’t. And THAT makes me feel like a terrible person. I understand that I am basically describing textbook depression, but it feels newly dark every time, and yet like a shitty old friend who will not fucking leave me alone. The depression (or whatever this feeling is) makes me entertain the belief that things will never change, or that no matter how much effort and change I put into it- I will always fall back into this same spot. I think it’s the last thing that frustrates me the most. I know that I won’t feel like this all the time, but I also know that I will feel like this again- hence the infiniti loop. It doesn’t feel like the in-between times are as bright or joyful to combat/make up for the dips.”
excerpt from an email to a friend.
So- if you look up depression, here’s a list of symptoms:
If you have been experiencing some of the following signs and symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, you may be suffering from depression:
– Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
– Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
– Irritability
– Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
– Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
– Decreased energy or fatigue
– Moving or talking more slowly
– Feeling restless or having trouble sitting still
– Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
– Difficulty sleeping, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
– Appetite and/or weight changes
– Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
– Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and/or that do not ease even with treatment
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression
y’all. Y’ALL. During my depressive states (which come and go) I experience 11 out of 13 of those symptoms (I am not suicidal, thank GOD, and I don’t have trouble sitting still). It’s like, LITERALLY TEXTBOOK.
Here’s why seeing this was funny to me. I was experiencing those feelings as *real*. I was embodying the experience as a human feeling very worthless. But when I serendipitously (I can’t believe that’s a real word) got an arm’s-length view of it (simply by writing it out to a friend), I was able to recognize that literally EVERYTHING I had listed was a symptom of depression. Here’s the difference: I felt worthless. I thought I was ACTUALLY in danger of being worthless. Then, when I saw the whole package of feelings I was like: oh shit, that’s just depression LYING to me. Depression is SUPER crafty and good at lying. You believe it every time. EVERY. time. That’s the whole reason why it sucks so much. It’s the same realness feeling as when you twist your ankle. You KNOW your ankle hurts, everything about it is sending you “I hurt” cues: swollen, red, pain, etc. Same with depression: you KNOW you are worthless or at least that life is basically meaningless. Every sign and symptom proves it: no energy, no joy, no impact, no feelings. The symptoms match. BUT when you arms-length it you realize, oh wait- the symptoms ARE the disease, not signs of it. Does this make sense? Depression is the twisted ankle. But you see the signs and think: life is meaningless. Oooh it’s a crafty, dirty devil.
I know it’s mental health awareness month (apparently), and I know that we have an awareness month, or day for practically everything. I don’t know if it helps, but maybe it does. I DO know that shining light on stuff that’s been shoved in the corner is one way to deal with it. It doesn’t fix it- but it de-mystifies it.
So here I am – shining light on a little corner piece of depression as I experience it. It’s annoying as hell, it keeps me from accomplishing a lot of my dreams (or at the very least it slows me way the fuck down). It has prevented me from being the kind of person I’d like to be in this world, BUT when I look at that list of symptoms and my paragraph of feelings, I can at least say: oh there you are – I caught you lying again. There you are- I’m more than your mind games. I can be proud of myself. Because someone with all those symptoms has a spouse, two kids, a masters degree, a book that is taking way too long to write (but I’m still writing it dammit), good friends, good family, and I am actually pretty fucking amazing if you think about all that I do with that garbage sitting in my brain. And I’m not talking about productivity, I’m talking about my own value as a spiritual, intellectual, kind, giving, boundary setting for self-care human. Depression slows me down, but I still write. Depression wears me out, but I still get up. Depression tells me lies, but I figure it out sooner or later. Fuck you depression, I’m amazing.
P.S.
A gentle reminder that awareness does not make something disappear. I can SEE mental illness but it doesn’t go *poof* into nothingness, it just sort of stares back at me. But awareness does give us a chance to fight back, or at least ignore it on purpose, which feels like a fun petty role-play I’d like to act out.
P.P.S.
If depression is lying to you- look at the lies and recognize them for what they are (not your fault or your true value)- and tell it to fuck off and do ONE thing that reminds you of your value/humanity. That one thing might need to be passive like resting, listening to music that loves you, letting someone help you or feed you. It may just be waiting one more day (and then one more and more after that) before you believe the lies.
Things that help me: writing, reading (if I can focus long enough), watching fantasy films (LOTR, HP, The Hobbit, etc), watching romantic comedies, reading romance books, taking a bath, being outside (in a hammock!), walking outside if I can force myself, talking to my sisters, my friends, being with my spouse and snuggling or even just letting him be kind to me (telling him I feel like shit and letting him love me), meditation, mediCation, alone time, eating something good (or at least not crappy and at normal times), less plans, watching comedies, snuggling with my dogs, doing easy things with my kids like watching movies or playing Dr. Mario. Find your stuff- depression sometimes makes it to where you hardly have the energy to do it- so do one thing half-ass. It’s better than nothing.
Ok- love y’all. By the way, if you have a friend who is struggling- then yes- reach out- yes- love on them- but remember that you are not a cure. It is not your fault they struggle. I feel like this needs to be said because I see so many folks saying “if only I had said that one right thing that one right time” and honestly- it’s not always enough. You are not the disease or the cure. You can be helpful, sure. But if you feel responsible for someone’s depression, then depression is lying to you too.
