Every now and then a series of events form together in sequence to spell out an epiphany. I think it’s important for you to know what the inspiration was before I dig into my aha moment.
- I recently read a newsletter article by Anna Sproul-Latimer, a literary agent and founder of Neon Literary, who argued that the new popularity of Ukrainian prime minister Zelensky is well-placed. She claims the power of his writing comes from vulnerability and compassion, not pomp and circumstance.
- I was skimming through my streaming apps to find something happy to watch and saw the show Fleabag, which I’ve been meaning to rewatch, but I needed something happier for the moment. In the meantime, I reflected for a minute on the show’s clever use of what folks call breaking the “fourth wall” in film. This method is when the actor looks directly at the camera and addresses the audience, thus breaking the invisible “fourth wall” that divides the fictional scene from the real audience watching.
- I saw an old Key and Peele skit, with four men sitting at a table. One man (Key) shares an unpopular opinion, while another man (Peele) responds by looking at the other two men and saying little asides like “Awkward!” and “okayyyy” but never actually responding directly to Key. This goes on repeatedly with Key growing in frustration, asking Peele to stop and finally confronting him by grabbing his face and demanding he share an opinion of his own. Peele breaks down and says he has no opinion of his own and runs off humiliated.
- And last but not least, I saw an example of some tweets sent out with comments via meme about President Biden’s State of the Union Speech. These tweets were intended as a wink and nod to the constituents of the politicians.
Then it dawned on me. We have adapted to a culture where we are actors, and our engagement with others is fourth wall engagement. Let me explain with an example. The politician who tweeted a meme about Biden, they are in the room with Congress, in the room with Biden, and they play the part with pomp and circumstance (like everyone else), meanwhile they tweet their “real feelings” to the public, feigning a sort of intimacy with their constituents. But they’ve not engaged anyone authentically. Every politician does this. Shoot- we all do this to some extent. The issue is that there is no vulnerability in any of it. There is no real communication. There is no real engagement. I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule, but do you see my point?
We pretend to be vulnerable and “in the know” with our “group” but none of it is real. We wink and nod until we forget what the joke was. The reason why we do this? I think it’s a two-parter.
One: Ego. And I don’t mean that in a unilaterally narcissistic tone, I mean our ego is what protects us from harm. We can have a bruised ego, but it’ll come roaring back with another “clap-back” or cleverly orchestrated meme. What our ego does is protect and shield our core, our soul, who we really are. So the ego plays the game, winks and nods, and keeps that invisible fourth wall up for everyone save a few (or even none).
The ego pretends to break the fourth wall, but what she’s really doing is nodding to the ego in everyone. I see you with your fourth wall- I won’t really breach yours if you don’t really breach mine.
Two: Lack of faith. This is connected to the ego, but it’s a little deeper. We’re afraid of what will happen if we enter the room without a fourth wall. We have no faith in ourselves or in others. It’s a catch-22 because our egos have all put on displays to show each other that indeed, we are not to be trusted. It’s the soul on the inside that we need to be chatting with, but it takes two souls bared for a real conversation to happen. The possibility of this miracle is so small now. It’s not impossible, and it will ripple when it happens, but the more we pretend we’re being vulnerable with our winks and nods, the less we will actually get the chance to see each other.
We don’t have faith that the risk, the sacrifice, is worth it. This is why Zellensky is so compelling: he’s intimately vulnerable, and he’s pretty sure he’s not going to survive it. We don’t know what to do with that. We make heroes of all sorts of folks who do this, but when it’s our turn, we hesitate. I sure do. Not all our heroes wash out clean in the end either, so even then, we pause as if to ask, “are we allowed to hope?” (The fact that we need our heroes to be perfect to be valid is another problem for another day- but it’s tied up in our fear of being vulnerable with our imperfections.)
If we could have the tiniest bit of faith, we might have the courage to stop playing Ego in our Truman Show life. We might be able to drop the fourth wall between us and the world. We might have the humility and patience to talk to each other with our real selves. We might have faith that it (even our lives) is worth it.
Let me be clear: I am not there yet. It’s not just the politicians. It’s all of us.
I have so little faith right now it’s depressing. I’m working on it, but that’s my current reality. I thought I had more faith, but I just don’t. I’m told a mustard seed is enough and I’m praying that’s true. I have a very small circle of people that I feel completely safe being vulnerable and not “fourth wall” with. In fact, even in the most intimate of my relationships, I find myself fourth-walling them every now and then.
I also know that we can’t be fully human if we keep going like this.
Do I have an answer that doesn’t require something terrifying? Nope. Am I going to break down my fourth wall? Not likely any time soon. Will I at least try to be honest about it? Yes. I can do that. I can try to stop winking and nodding when I’m not actually in the arena, not actually talking to people, not willing to put myself in danger.
I’ll take small steps with my small faith, and hopefully that’ll get me closer to having the courage to be fully human. In the meantime, maybe you can join me in the effort. Just small steps with (I hope) ripple effect.
Profoundly insightful